Customer: So you want to have this conference call at 3:00 EST?

Me: Uh, no, that would be 3:00 EDT

Customer: Right.

Me: Excuse me?

Customer: That’s what I said, ‘3:00 EST.’

Me: But it’s Eastern Daylight Time.

Customer: Exactly.

Me: Huh?

Customer: Is it three o’clock or not?

Me: Yes, three o’clock pm, eastern daylight time.

Customer: So that’s like noon, PST?

Me: No… that’s noon PDT: Pacific Daylight Time.

Customer: What did I say?

Me: You keep saying ‘S’ as in ‘Standard,’ but we’re on Daylight time now.

Customer: Is that what that stands for?

Me: Sound of noose tightening on larynx.

* * * * *

Me: Support here, how can I help you?

Customer: I have a problem.

Me: Okay, what seems to be the trouble?

Customer: I’m pretty sure my server is down.

Me: What were you doing when it crashed?

Customer: Nothing.

Me: Okay… was there any abberant behavior just before it went down?

Customer: Not really.

Me: Have you recently patched the system or upgraded to a later version?

Customer: Nope.

Me: What is the exact problem with your server?

Customer: I don’t think the problem is with the server, I think the problem is that my licenses expired.

Me: So why did you say your server was down?

Customer: Did I say that?

Me: It’s a shame: All these power outlets and no metal objects to stick into them.

* * * * *

Customer: …This is a very critical issue for us. This system has to work. Any suggestions?

Me: Hm. Okay, these sound like issues we’ve seen before. What patch are you using?

Customer: We haven’t applied any patches.

Me: Ah, well it looks like these issues have been resolved by patches 11, 13 and 14 so if you apply patch 14 you should be all square.

Customer: Yeah, I already saw that on your self-help website. I don’t want to apply any patches.

Me: Okay, so what would you like me to do for you today?

Customer: Can’t you just give me a workaround?

Me: Yes. The patch is the workaround. I would strongly recommend that you patch your system.

Customer: Sigh.

Me: Is there some particular reason why you don’t want to install the patch?

Customer: That seems like a lot of effort for these little problems.

Me: Didn’t you file this ticket with an Impact level of ‘Critical’? What happened to ‘This system has to work’?

Customer: Hm, yeah. I just wanted a faster callback.

Me: This window appears large enough to accomodate a human body. Three stories up… that should at least land me in a coma.

Customer: So you’ll send me the workarounds?

Me: Sound of glass breaking.