ST. LOUIS, MO — Schick (owned by Energizer Holdings, Inc.) announced their newest product line today in direct response to yesterday’s announcement regarding Gillette’s new Fusion five-bladed razor. A spokesperson for EHI stated, “Those frenchie chowderheads think they can out-blade us? When they see our new Dectuple Brand Shaving System ™, they’re going to shoot wine right out their noses and all over their clean, white flags.”

When informed that Gillette Co. was an American company, the Schick spokesperson declined to give his name, an unusual request for a press release. “Whatever,” the anonymous spokesperson added, “those guys are going to feel French when they see this thing. They won’t believe it. Consumers won’t believe it, either! Ten blades! It shaves so close, it takes the freakin’ skin clean off! It’s a killer! I mean, look at this thing, you need two hands just to lift it!”

Schick and Gillette have been playing a game of one-upsmanship for the past few years starting with the triple-bladed Mach-3 razor introduced by Gillette and combatted by Schick with their introduction of the Quattro four-bladed razors last year. After Gillette announced the five-bladed Fusion, Schick wanted to strike back quickly. “We’ve been working on this ever since we perfected the Quattro. I mean at first we were like, ‘Let’s start on six blades,’ but then we were all, ‘Why keep adding one at a time? Those pansies at Gillette are just going to keep putting one more on there.’ So we jumped the gun. Our first attempts were fifty blades, but after a lot of trial and some pretty messy errors, we’ve discovered that ten blades is that maximum number of blades possible on a safety razor. I mean what are they going to say, ‘Ours goes to eleven?’ Who’d buy an eleven-bladed razor?”

The new Dectuple razors will be in stores in time for Christmas.