We’re moving. Not terribly far, just over the hill about 25 minutes West.

But we’ll be back in the Bay Area. You can’t tell, but I’m smiling right now.

When we first moved this direction into the vast wilderness known as “The Central Valley,” I stipulated to Nik that this was going to be a six month trial. I was decidedly less than convinced that I was going to be okay with Hicksville, USA. Somewhere inside those six months, life occurred and we ended up staying for a year. It was a year that was less than kind to us and our move wasn’t the glorious homecoming I had envisioned, but rather more of a fleeing into the night, deeper into the sticks as we tried to escape rising rent costs and the agony of unemployment.

Our second “brief, temporary” move turned into a two year stint in The Worst Place To Live. I felt occasionally that the first place in the Central Valley we stayed wasn’t so bad, but I never felt that way the deeper in we went. It was a relief to move back to the place we’d necessarily left a couple of years earlier, but the relief was relative.

Amusingly, my original assumption that the Central Valley was podunky happens to be flawed. I mean, I’ve visited Missouri and I actually lived in Texas. By comparison the Central Valley (excepting TWPTL) is a bustling hub of big-city living. But I’m from the Bay Area. When the local Wal-Mart closes at 9:00 pm, something is wrong. I don’t even shop at Wal-Mart and I know that’s just not right. Our local “mall” has one floor. Our options for in-town dining are literally Chevy’s (which Nikki doesn’t like), Applebee’s (which I don’t care for) or—the new rage in town—Olive Garden. There are only so many breadsticks and stuffed mushrooms one can consume before one demands some variety.

The problem with the Central Valley is that everyone here is either originally from somewhere else that they’d rather still be or they’re local/native and wish it hadn’t changed so much. The Central Valley has changed as more people from Sacramento and the Bay Area flood in to escape their housing costs and try to mold the Valley into something it doesn’t want to be. The clash between bedroom-community-wishers and happy hicks drives me insane and results in this idiotic worst-of-both-worlds blend that I have grown more or less accustomed to but don’t particularly care for.

We’ve been back on this edge of the Valley for about a year and a half now. I work here. I work for the city. I don’t hate it here, I just don’t really like it.

I will miss some things; I think any time you change the definition of “home” you have to leave some things behind. HB and Gin live here, and we won’t be able to just cruise up the street to see them. Nik and I always kind of hibernate during the winter anyway so we haven’t seen them a ton lately, but the weather is warming up and I was about to re-initiate Saturday Morning Coffee with HB, which was usually followed by Saturday Afternoon Video Games with HB. I don’t know that such a tradition is terribly likely once we move. I’ll miss our apartment; we have a nice spacious place with low rent that we’re trading for a nice, smaller place with higher rent. I’ll miss working six minutes from home—a little.

But I’ll be happy when Nik is happy not having to sit through an hour’s worth of traffic every morning. My commute going the other way? Twenty minutes, no traffic. I’ll be happy when we have a washer and dryer… in our unit. No more scrambling at 9:30 to get our clothes done before they lock the laundry room. No more doing laundry in the rain. I’ll be happy when we don’t have to put up with the über-weak cable we have now and can get decent cable reception (yes, it is as stupid as it sounds).

And I’ll be happy when we simplify.

Simplify

Our current place is two bedrooms. Our new place is one. This sounds like a problem. Only really it isn’t a problem because we don’t use our second bedroom very much. Sure, we have a computer in there, but the new place has a computer cubby. Besides the computer we have a desk where I work on Warhammer stuff. It’s a small desk, it could go anywhere. The rest of the space in that room is taken up by junk. Not like trash, just like the crap we’ve collected over 55 collective years of nostalgia and the procrastination to not get rid of it properly. So soon there will be an influx at used book stores, craigslist and eBay. But! You can help because you, loyal ironSoap reader, have First Dibs on some of the stuff we don’t have room for anymore. Below is a list of the stuff we’re going to sell/give away/trash before we go. If you want any of it, speak up soon or you may miss it. I’m willing to ship most stuff if you’ll cover the shipping fees; lots of this I’ll give away if you come pick it up. I can’t hang on to any of it for the next time I see you if you’re remotely located since this is all about reducing the amount of stuff we have that we don’t use, but if you can arrange for someone or someplace else to hang on to it, I’m not opposed to dropping stuff off at storage facilities, friends’ houses, etc. Also, if you see something listed here that you think is yours or that you gave as a kind gift, assume that I’m not trying to be a jerk or unappreciative, some of this is hard to part with (which is why we still have it, after all) it’s just that we have to make some decisions about what’s practical. If you want to claim something that is yours, please do so and we’ll gladly give it back with deepest apologies: We’re not trying to make a profit off of your generosity, chances are I’m just dense. Contact me with all inquiries at ironsoap@gmail.com.

1. Computer Monitors I have two of these. One is a 19″ CRT, the other is a 17″ CRT. The 19″ is a generic brand with a wide bevel (good if you like to put Post-It notes all over your monitor). It works okay, but is nothing special. The 17″ is a Dell-brand although I think it was originally a ViewSonic. I have an actual ViewSonic that is nearly identical, you can take your pick. I’ll give ’em to you if you can use ’em, or if you feel you must compensate me, $15 each or $20 for both will do just fine. (Note that all these prices are ironSoap prices; I’ll probably up them for the stuff I end up putting on craigslist/ebay).
2. Leather Couch Okay, this is our couch. I’ll tell you up front that it’s all sorts of beat up. The stuffing is coming out, the arms are askew and it isn’t terribly comfortable anymore. But it does have two recliner seats and a center console that once managed heated and massaging seats although we stopped plugging it in when the heated seats dried the leather and started the couch’s decline. It was at one point green leather and now it’s just ugly. Maybe good for a frat house or something, I dunno. I won’t take money for it, if you can move it out the door and down the stairs, you have my deepest gratitude and thanks.
3. Nightstand/Cupboard This is one aging nightstand with a cupboard front in a dark wood or faux wood of some kind. It’s kind of battered but it could pretty easily be refinished and stained to look nice again. It’s nice and spacious inside and fairly wide on the surface so it holds plenty of alarm clocks, reading material and lamps. It has a twin somewhere, but I guess it has been lost or something. This one opens from right to left, which means it is supposed to go one one side of the bed, but I’ve never been able to figure out which. Right now it isn’t even next to our bed. Go figure. Free if you move it, $10 if you need it brought somewhere. This is one of the few things that I can actually fit in our car so I’m actually not opposed to delivery.
4. Entertainment Center An old black particleboard entertainment unit that holds I think up to a 30″ TV. It has a door-covered cabinet below the TV space, a large bottom compartment and several component spaces to the right of the TV section. It no longer has the backing piece (which was just black cardboard that ripped away during a move) and it may be a tad rickety for your taste although as far as I can tell it is structurally sound. Your opinion of my ability to assess structural integrity is your call. I can’t move it myself without a truck so if you want it and have said truck, it’s yours. I’ll take any compensation you feel it’s worthy of, even if that means nothing. If I can’t get rid of it, it will just end up at the dumps anyway.
5. Chest of Drawers A horrible, horrible dresser unit with five four drawers of varying degrees of functionality, a door unit covering several shelves on the left hand side which does not open or close properly. It’s made of white particleboard and is a beast to move. The second drawer from the top is available although one railing has pulled loose from the particleboard and doesn’t work, so the drawer is separate from the rest of the unit. If you want this for firewood or something, please take it. I’ll accept no money from it as your removing from our home lifts its curse upon our lives, which is thanks enough for us.
6. Coffee Table This was one of those “do-it-yourself” Wal-Mart specials (back when I shopped at Wal-Mart voluntarily) which was subjected to the “me” part of the equation to the extent that its ability to remain standing under various stimuli such as the presence of oxygen in the air may cause it to collapse. It has been suggested that wood glue may remedy the situation, but until someone with a better understanding of carpentry (by that I mean someone who’s knowledge extends beyond knowing how to spell it) can get at it, it is going to remain as stable as a break-away table similar to those used by stuntmen. It comes apart so easily it is pretty trivial to transport; other than its assembly issues it is in fine shape. $15.
7. VHS Movies I have at least two, possibly three huge storage boxes of VHS movies. We’re slowly migrating to DVD but in the meantime we don’t even have a VCR hooked up so these just take up space. There are some pretty decent movies in there, depending on what you like. I’d rather get rid of the whole works which you can have for $50, but if you want to pick and choose, you can have any one you want for free or a quarter, or whatever. If they don’t get sold I’m going to try taking them to a local used record store that still sells VHS tapes (I think). If they won’t take them they’re dumpster fodder so claim ’em or lose ’em. I can also provide a list of all the titles available if you want.
8. His/Her Mountain Bikes These are probably the hardest to part with since they’re practically brand new, barely used and something that I actually would like to hang onto and use. Unfortunately they don’t fit well in our two-bedroom apartment and there is just no space for them in the new place. They’re both blue ten-speed off-brand (Roadmaster) mountain bikes. His has a lock and lock storage mechanism, hers has a gel seat cover. Manuals are included. We’ll give them both to you for $100, or separately for $70 each.
9. Computer Desk We debated about saving this desk, ultimately we’re going to get rid of it because it’s a bit too big for the new place. If I had to get another one, I’d probably get something very similar to this. It’s a really nicely laid out computer desk made from black particleboard and actually (as near as I could ever tell) assembled correctly. I’m pretty sure a buddy of mine helped on this one, which may explain the passable construction. It has a nice long bookshelf above the desk, a nook for a desktop tower on the left and a built-in CD rack on the upper right. There are additional bookshelves on the left end and two drawers on the right front, one being big enough to hold standard hanging folders like a filing cabinet. It has a roll-out keyboard/mouse tray with ergonomic wrist rest built in. It has a slight bit of damage from the previous move on the left end bookshelf side, but it is just a decorative floor panel that has been broken and it could be easily removed without any aesthetic or structural compromise. There are some goofy geek stickers on the front of the drawers, but I’d be happy to remove/paint over those for you if you want. Cleaned up: $150, As-is: $125. You’ll have to supply the truck/trailer, and I doubt it would fit in an SUV, but I’ll help you move it if you want.
10. Small TV We have a small maybe 13″ color TV that works but we don’t use. It’s yours for $20.
11. Collectables I have a lot of collectable toys and stuff; mostly Star Wars and quite of bit of it is Boba Fett. George Lucas kind of killed the mystique of ol’ Boba for me, but if you still think he’s cool or want to hang on to the collectables, you’re welcome to ’em. I’ll give you the whole lot including a box of original 70’s era Star Wars toys (yes, there is a fairly good conditioned Boba Fett original in there), a modeled resin Boba Fett figure that stands about 7″ high, a Trade Federation Droid that’s about the same size still in the box, several still-packaged Boba Fett figures from the more recent toy releases (including the Deluxe model with some kind of crazy special backpack), an original Spawn action figure (out of package but with all the pieces) and if you’re really nice I may even include a box of well-loved die-cast Star Wars metal minatures with playsets and everything, although it is going to be hard to talk me into giving those up. I’ll accept offers on the toys, but I’m guess there is about $200 worth of stuff here, not including the miniatures which are probably $100 by themselves (more for the right collector I’m sure, but they are definitely not mint condition). I can put a list of everything I have together if you like. I’d prefer to get rid of all or big chunks of it at a time instead of trying to unload it bit by bit, but I’ll consider reasonable (and generous!) offers for individual pieces.
12. G3 Mac I have a G3 Mac (blue tower) which may have some kind of internal goofery happening since it has gotten wonky on me a couple of different times (usually after about six months of decent use). Still, a person with the right amount of knowledge and/or dedication could find it to be a pretty good computer for the kids or something. I’ll take $30 for it or if you promise it’s going for your kid, you can simply have it.
13. Old School Powerbook I also have an old Powerbook, I’d have to check and see which model number it is, but it’s grey and blocky and has System 7 installed on it. It’s interesting to fiddle with from a historical/curiosity perspective, but it’s maybe not so useful anymore unless you have a specific need for it. I’ll give it to you for $15 since I can’t bear to just toss it out.
14. Acoustic Guitar Let me tell you something: I love my guitar. This is a Harmony electric/acoustic that looks, works and sounds great. Sadly, I don’t have any of the drive or ability to play it that much any more and I’d rather someone else have it and play it than feel bad that it sits neglected in the corner of a closet, taking up space we’re about to not have much of anymore. It needs a new high E string (or maybe a new set) but otherwise is ready to play and make people happy. It’s black with a grey sunburst pattern, enclosed tuning peg gears and has a pretty decent fret action although it is kind of high so it’s better for strumming/rhythm work than fancy solos (which makes sense since I was a rhythm guitarist). I’d like $115 for it; it includes a standard board case.
15. Sega Dreamcast I have a working Sega Dreamcast with controllers, VMU, connector cables and (I think) manuals. I can’t find any of my games right now but they can be picked up all over the place for a song and there are some pretty dang sweet ones. If you want it, it’s yours.
16. Atari 7800 System and Games I scored an old, working Atari 7800 system and a load of games a while back. I hooked it up and messed with it for a while. It’s a lot of fun but the TVs I was using required a bunch of adapters and junk to work on modern connectors and it made the picture flicker-y and static-y. So I went back to emulating Atari games. But if you want the works, I’ll hand it over.

So there you have it. Remember that none of the prices above are final, I’m pretty flexible/pushover-prone so feel free to make me into a sucker. If it ends up out of my hands and one less thing I have to move, you’ve done me a favor anyway. Send inquiries to ironsoap@gmail.com and try to contact me before the end of April since I’ll be putting the stuff I still have on ebay or criagslist starting around that time.